Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
