Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
