Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
