the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he thought i was a dude.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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