I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
