Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
