I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
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i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
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I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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