Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The uberlube is also flammable
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
