Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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