I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
