sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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