Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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