Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
