I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
