I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
