If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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