he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
