im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
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I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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