My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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