Sry I called you an 8
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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