Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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