Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
