So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
