You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
