just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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