My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
