Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
