Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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