At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
