my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
