I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
