In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
People in love make me want to vomit
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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