: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
