my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My vagina just clenched in fear
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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