On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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