Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
