Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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