This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Panties = found
Randomize
