i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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