I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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