She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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