Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
sarcasm needs its own font
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
