Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
