Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
