My friends, they love my intelligence
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
