in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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