I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
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Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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