you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
