I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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