best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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