how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
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So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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