that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
