This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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