I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
