Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
