Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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