Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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