I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
