I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
